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Real Housewives of New Jersey Episode 8 Season 5

07/21/2013 23:30

This week was part two of the retreat from hell.

We picked up with the two macho meatballs wrestling each other. I have to just say up front that I don’t get this. I don’t get what fighting does. What is the point? I have never been involved with fights. I surely have never seen one that involves my family. My family is as Waspy as they come. We don’t fight. We don’t raise our voices. We don’t discuss “feelings”. We throw verbal passive aggressive jabs. That is about as passionate as we get. So the whole fight thing baffles me. I actually said this to my son. He stopped me. “Mom, you are never going to get it. So don’t even bother. Men have testosterone. It is about being the strongest. It’s about pecking order. I know you won’t get it so don’t even bother. Trust me, it is a guy thing.” This from my son who also isn’t a fighter. He too carries on our family tradition of using humor, biting sarcastic wit and passive aggression to deal with situations.

#JoeNado happened. And they all ended up with Joe’s black hair spray all over them! Guys, if you tend to get involved with macho brawls, steer clear of black hair spray.

I am with Kathy. I am not breaking up a fight. I am not putting myself between two angry Italian men. No way, no how.

A little later, after everyone has retreated to their rooms, Rosie, Kathy and Richie convince Teresa to talk to her brother. Unfortunately, no one bothered to see if Joe was up for a brother sister chat. He is crushed and emotional. Melissa is trying to soothe and calm him when in storms Teresa. When Melissa protectively says Joe isn’t up to talking to Tre alone, of course Tre flies off the handle and over reacts. Good Lord. Melissa was protecting her husband who she knows is in a very emotional and vulnerable place.

Melissa has had it. She never wants to look at these people for the rest of her life (I can totes relate) She wants to go home. Joe Gorga is upset and heart broken. Rosie doesn’t want everyone to bail. She wants them to see this process through. (But even Rosie knows Opie and Ms. Sunshine are in over their heads). Richie wants everyone to stay because there is still plenty of booze left. This party isn’t over yet. And Teresa and Joe? They are having sexy time because there is no better foreplay for a feisty Italian woman that a macho brawl. Brown Chicka Brown Chown. And with that we get to watch them de-stress in a hot tub. REALLY BRAVO?? WHY? Two words: FAMILY HOUR!

Sexy time is over (thank Jesus for small blessings) and everyone can go to sleep.

The next morning Melissa comes to breakfast looking fabulous and Rosie really can’t be bothered. She isn’t getting dolled up for breakfast. I am withya sistah! Don’t even! Not before my coffee.

Teresa (with Bravo’s production team) has flown in Dr. V. from another Bravo reality show…I mean, from L.A. to help this family. (Has anyone told Opie and Ms. Sunshine they can go? I keep feeling they are going to pop up again…and again…)

Teresa answers the door and one of the strangest and possibly most wonderful exchanges unfold. Dr. V has a way with words. She encourages Tre to look at her vagina!

So first Dr. V. figures out that Teresa feels Joe is incapable of caring for himself. He is incapable of picking the proper mate and that is why Teresa doesn’t like Melissa. Dr. V initially agrees Joe isn’t ready to deal with Teresa. BUT then Dr. V. changes her mind and decides maybe Joe is ready to deal with Teresa. Teresa, Joe and Dr. V. start talking (obviously Tre continues to deny any culpability).

At some point Tre turns on the water works. I am sorry but my gut isn’t buying it. It is manipulation for pity and it is for the cameras. That is all I could think when I saw the Tre’s tears start. There hasn’t been an ounce of compassion ever from that woman, I am not buying. She tells Dr. V that there isn’t much time. Her parents are old. She wants to fix the relationship for her parents, for her children. She wants to fix it so badly…just not badly enough to ever admit any guilt. EVER. She won’t even LIE for the sake of her elderly parents! Tell them you were wrong, admit something! You’ll lie about every thing else. (hello? Bankruptcy fraud) But you won‘t admit any guilt - even if you had to lie. BUT NO. THAT is one place she won’t go. She is never ever wrong. Ever. Which is really an amazing feat. The last person to accomplish that was a Jewish carpenter. He went by the name of Jesus!

I am excited to hear Dr. V. call Tre a “Dumb Ass” next week J How about you?

Just to recap: What did we learn tonight? That macho men use hair dye and fight. That Teresa can’t hide her age in the close-ups like she does in the nicely lit interviews. That its ok to look at Dr. V’s vagina. That Kathy is smart enough to stay out of fights. And that Rosie knew Opie and Ms. Sunshine were in over their head.

*** UPDATE: Joe Gorga has given up black hair spray, and hair! He shaved his head! I think he looks GREAT. So much better than the black hairspray.